Lifecoaching – The Career Path For People Who Suck At Everything Else

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Ahhh now I had a conversation with a friend tonight and she mentioned she was doing life coaching for a living or at least training to be one. Hmmmmmmm there’s a problem with this picture though…

Life coaching. The coaching of a life. How to live your life. Uber mentoring from an uber mentor surely?

Well you would think so but then….you meet these coaches of lives. And suddenly you realize that not only are these people not fit to be coaching anyone they’re barely fit to be living their own lives. In fact their own lives are usually the worst kinds of trainwreck imaginable involving serious emotional baggage and medication. Does that seem a bit harsh? Let me explain.

In life we all need guidance at once time or another and when we do we go to somebody who has either more experience or success than us in that given field. So for example if you were struggling with your investments you might seek the help of a financial advisor who helped your buddy out big style. That’s smart. You go to somebody with a proven track record of success in a given area and learn from them.

What you don’t do is stop some homeless guy on the street and ask him for financial advice because well….the guy is as broke as fuck. No money. He’s homeless. It’s not a lifestyle choice – it’s a simple lack of money. And I have friends who have been homeless during their teen years and anytime I pass a homeless man or woman who isn’t a professional gangster or a smack head then I give them something – a few bucks or a few ciggies or whatever. I don’t ignore them. They’re human beings. I’m not ragging on the homeless so chill the fuck out please?

They are human beings and deserve to be treated with dignity but they are not, however, financial advisors and it’s important to know the difference here.

But the reality is that when most people are engaging the services of a life coach that’s exactly the position they put themselves in – taking guidance from somebody who has absolutely no fucking clue what they’re doing in life or business. None.

But…but….life coaches are trained and accredited!!

Do you know how long it takes to become a life coach? A for realz life coach with a cert, acreddidation, graduation ceremony and everything? 6 months…..oh wait no…not 6 months….silly me. That’s every weekend for 6 months or…..drum rolllllllll 48 days x 7 hours of tuition per day or…….. 336 hours. In just 336 hours (or less…you might skip some classes) you’ll be ready to help people in their own lives….no matter how fucking upside down yours is. You’ll be an accredited life coach with all the skillz you need to make other people as successful as you’re not…I mean as successful as you are. Of course. Positive thinking and such.

So back to my buddy and her life coaching course. She’s happy with her choice and to be honest I think she’d make a good mentor for people looking to work in sales. But this same person is on a ball of meds and suffers from regular tsunamis of depression and anxiety attacks. Is she in a position to coach people? I don’t think so because if the coaching goes wrong and a life/business/relationship suffers as a result, and it happens all the fucking time,….this would affect my friends mental health pretty dramatically.

Wait she’s on meds….and she’s being trained to coach people on their lives….isn’t that a bit ethically fucked? Yessir it surely is. But then you know the qualifications you need to become a life coach amount to absolutely fuck all right? There is no entry exam, there is no psychological evaluation, no police background checks and definitely no medical checks. So anyone – ANY ONE – can sit in a room taking notes for a few weekends, do some trial coaching with other people and away they go to solve the problems of the world……and ruin countless lives as a result.

So in the midst of the conversation I ask my friend about her covering Maslow, Belbin, Goleman, psychometrics and the other basics of working with people at that level (bleh…I’ve had some training in this field….don’t hold it against me…I don’t practice!!!). The response fucking startled and scared me. I thought I’d gone done greased mah drawers son! “Oh we have 3 weekends left there’s lots left to cover…….” JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!! This woman has already coached her first client! Not only has she not finished the course and been let loose on peoples lives but the course itself has fucking failed to cover ANY of the necessary material to work with people even on a basic coaching level and I mean really basic. Like the material you’d be introduced to on day 1 of the course so that you knew what you were getting yourself into but they’re obviously saving all the good stuff for the very, very last day as a handout. Psyhometrics and emotional intelligence? You can learn that shit at home folks! Thanks for the money…we’re done here……plus none of us really understand or are accredited to teach that other stuff….soz and lolz @ u!

My own personal experience with life coaches has been less than stellar in that when you look at the background of most of the people doing this coaching their own personal lives and businesses are in total disarray. Fuck that. It’s chaos. They’re in dysfunctional relationships, their business is going nowhere, their own academic career has flat-lined but hey….life coaching pays well so as long as you can talk-the-talk who the fuck is going to know you’re not just making it all up?

Because that’s what you life coaches do….you make shit up. Then you feed peoples owns answers/points/questions back to them in a paraphrased framing and sit there looking smug when that same person has a Eureka moment.

Then you charge them the same amount they’d have paid a fully trained, accredited and supervised counselor or psychologist……..yes you do you fucking assholes.

Life coaches are nothing more than wannabe psychologists or counselors who didn’t make it.

They’re life the Catholic priests who didn’t make the grade to work in a local parish so were sent to Africa and the Philippines to rape children there instead. But that folks is another story for another day.

Happy Christmas GoDaddy – FAIL!

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Àhhh guys and gals some things happen in life than make me so happy I could just shit. Well obviously not shit myself but you get the idea. Shitting yourself for pleasure is just a step too far.

Now as you all might be aware I detest Bob Parsons – the head elephant hunter at GoDaddy. Why? Well because he thinks hunting elephants with a big fucking gun in the guise of protecting “the poor natives” is somehow manly. If you want to practice being manly Bob then the two of us can step into a pit armed with an 8-inch hunting knife each and we’ll sort it out that way. Never happen of course. Bob lives in an ivory tower of detachment from the real world.

Well he did until Santa brough me the best Christmas present ever when he showed me that over 72,000 domains were transferred from GoDaddy this week because of their support for SOPA (Stop Online Piracy Act):

http://thenextweb.com/insider/2011/12/24/go-daddy-lost-21054-domains-yesterday-in-wake-of-sopa-pr-disaster/

So Bob you’ve overseen two absolutely massive PR failures within 12 months….that’s like amazingly impressive! You just lost recurring revenue of $505,754 PER YEAR and that was just in ONE WEEK! You are a financial genius and stuff obviously because you’re slowly grinding GoDaddy into the ground by driving away thousands of customers. THOUSANDS Bob. How will you be able to afford those hunting trips in the future eh?

GoDaddy have somehow managed to maintain a loyal customer base through your decimation of your company’s popularity and you’ve managed to load so much crap into the buyer interface that it’s amazing anyone can even register a domain at GoDaddy anymore….well…..they’re not are they? And that’s the real kicker.

You see Bob has just singlehandedly lost 72,000+ domains in a week from his existing customers but that doesn’t factor the amount of potential new customers he’s already eliminated in one fell swoop. Thousands of new customers not buying domains…every single day.

Then we have people using the GoDaddy domain market place, web hosting etc. Bob Parsons just has cost his company several million dollars in lost revenue per year folks and caused the kind of reputational damage that nothing is going to fix for him. Well I hope not because the only justice this guy deserves is to go flat broke and have to get a job shovelling elephant dung in a center than specializes in giving large mammals colonic irrigations.

Fuck You Bob Parsons. Actually you fucked yourself which makes this PR DISASTER all the more enjoyable!

Happy Christmas folks!!! :-)

How To Not Look Like A Whore On Your Online Dating Profile

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Ahhhh online dating is fucking awesome. It gives you a chance to meet lots of women without having to put up with the nightmare hassle of dealing with shouting in the ears of strangers in bars that are packed with a wide assortment of crazies.

Now instead you get to meet a wide range of crazy fuckers online instead but at least you have the opportunity to filter out these lunatics very early on in the process. And what better way to start filtering out the freaks by checking out their profile photos – the ones who are honest enough to put a photo up there in the first place so you get to see their face.

And there’s the first place to start their face and pay careful attention to it. Why? Well if she’s using a face only shot on her profile then you can be sure she’s hiding something. Either the body of a farm animal or something that you don’t want to find out about by surprise. Face only profile pic or just from the neck up then you might need to just move on.

And now we come to the rest of the profile pictures of women, girls, ladies or whatever the current correct terminology is based on the sociopath you’re about to enter into conversation with. Here are some  other things that I’m just going to throw out their as suggestions for members of the female online dating community.

It’s my sincere hope that these help you improve your online dating prospects because what you’re doing right now isn’t doing you any favours. So here, without further ado, is my list for a great profile pic:

Holiday Snaps
These are a great way to show your fun side because you’re away on holiday leaving your hair do. However please try not to use pictures of yourself in the pool with the guy you were fucking on holiday because, let’s face facts, it makes you look like a bit of a fucking whore.

Parties
Again these are a great way to show that you like going out and being social and having fun. There’s a dangerous downside though and that’s when your Plenty of Fish profile picture is of you at a bar with some random guys hands on your tits. It makes you look like as much of a whore as a holiday snap of you grinding up against some guy in a pool.

Family
If you’re like most normal people then family is important to you and you might want to share this with the world. Having pictures of your kids posing in your profile picture with you is so incredibly fucking careless I hope you’re sterile because child safety isn’t something you obviously take too seriously.

Photographs
And by photographs I mean using a picture of yourself when you were somewhere between 10 and 30 years younger than you are right now. Unless you possess a time machine or the ability to instantly make yourself look younger don’t be pissed off when your date turns up, realizes you’re a fucking liar and walks away. It’s called false advertising. Jesus like you think that you lied about your age is going to make you attractive. This also applies to women in their early 40s who say they’re in their mid-30′s because you’re just as bad and please do expect the guy to never call you again once he finds out.

Portrait Photos
It doesn’t matter what way you hold that camera we can still tell that you’ve taken that photo of yourself. It’s bad enough that you’re trying to make it look like a photographer took it but then when you pretend to be surprised in the photo it just makes you look like a fucking idiot. Especially because you’re reflecting off something else in the room and we can see you performing this lame exercise in photo masturbation all on your lonesome. Oh and those photos of you dressed up like a whore….well….they also make you look like a whore. Just saying.

Having Fun
You like going out and having fun. You love when your friends take lots of goofy pics of each other during the night. You LOL at these every time you think of them. The problem is that putting them on your Match.com profile makes you look like a fucking mental case. Here’s a tip: Guys don’t want mental cases. Now we have the double whammy of the goofy face pic and the fact that it’s a shot from the neck up….yup….she’s mental and morbidly obese. Earn double points and level up! And maybe have another bucket of fried chicken.

Ohhhh ohhhh and outside the topic of pics there’s shit that some women put on their profile title that I love. Like “Too hot to handle…too cold to care”. Really? You’re 36 years old and on an online dating website and you think you have the luxury of being picky? Unless you want to spend your last fertile years getting fucked, both literally and figuratively speaking, by one player after another then don’t say dumb shit like that. It’s like going out to the bar and wearing a t-shirt that says “I’m a fucking bitch that wants her own way in everything…come get me”. Mind you that would be a pretty big t-shirt too so….kinda adds up.

Am I being cruel? Yeah I probably am a bit but that’s because I’ve been in the online dating arena and come across all of the above and had the displeasure of being duped into meeting some people face to face. My time is my own and it’s also finite (that means limited…stop trying to Google it) so I fucking detest having my time wasted by anyone.

Do guys lie online? Of course! The online dating thing is a fucking mess of married and unfaithful men looking to screw women of any shape, size, race or age. They don’t care. I just wish they’d hook up with all the crazy skanky bitches and make everyones life just a whole lot better in almost no time at all.

And girls….if you don’t want to be referred to as a whore or treated like a whore….then don’t act dress,act,speak and behave like one eh?

Bob Parsons – CEO and Mindless Murderer of Endangered Species

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There are lots of juicy news stories floating around that I don’t blog about. Simply because most of them don’t interest me. Don’t get me wrong – the Japanese tsunami had my total attention for days but blogging about the misery of others has never really done anything for me. I’d had a facefull of videos of houses and cities being destroyed so didn’t feel the need to share it.

But then a news story comes along that not only gets my attention but makes me want to tell every single fucking person I know. A story that makes me want to stick a knife into my own hand to see if I’ve just dream this or if it’s actually real.
So here it is folks. Bob Parsons, CEO of domain registrar GoDaddy (I’m not providing a link to their fucking site though), shoots elephants as part of his recreational activities. Or basically he shoots elephants for fun.
Wait but stop….Bob said he was protecting local villagers from rogue elephants!! He’s a saviour type guy…..an all American hero no less!

Errrrr what the fuck are you taking? Peyote? Are you doing lines of speed and jagerbombs at the same time?

1. The local villagers have been living around these elephants for thousands of years – they DO NOT need some stupid, fat, shiny fucking American businessman to come and save them.

2. There was no proof that it was a rogue elephant – this is most likely damage limitation rolled out by some GoDaddy PR flunky.

3. Why the fuck would be put a video of the kill up on his blog? That’s not a very altruistic thing to do Bob – to fucking show the whole world what a hero you are?

What HAS happened is that this greedy, rich, bored tool feels the need to express his manliness by shooting elephants with bullets that could take down a light aircraft. That’s not manly Bob – that’s the act of a coward who has something missing at the core of his being. You want to impress me with how much of a man you are? Ok you go and take the dangerous rogue elephant down with a spear or a knife maybe. That would impress the living fuck out of me – I might even admire you at some basic and primitive level….like a caveman seeing fire created for the first time.

But the reality is that the elephant would crush your fake-tanned, bloated, corpulent corpse into nasty little Bob Burgers. He would stomp you like the bug that you are Bob. The only real shame here is that the elephant wouldn’t take a video of it and post it on his blog….because elephants can’t blog. It’s a well known fact. They also don’t kill other animals for fun which makes them a lot more caring as a species than you are as a human Bobby boy.

I’m just wondering how else you get your kicks when you’re not off shooting elephants? Maybe you club baby seals to death while jerking off to  slaughterhouse footage? Maybe you trap small animals and torture them to see what happens? Maybe this is just an extension of acts of cruelty you’ve been comitting your entire life. Who knows what fucking skeletons you might cough up if questioned and profiled properly.

Oh and you do know what they say about people who deliberately cause harm to animals? There is recorded proof that people who do that have the same psychological profile as a serial killer. So maybe that’s your next little high Bob?

Yes I am fucking outraged by this as you might have guessed. This is an act of excess that sickens me. It’s an act of bravado perpetrated by an empty soulless corporate fucking zombie like Mr Parsons.

I want him to pay for this and…….. you can help me! Anyone reading this can chop this lumbering mindless murderer back downt to size.

But how??
What action can you take?
1. If you have domains with GoDaddy transfer them anywhere else – I don’t fucking care. Just do it.
2. If you have hosting with GoDaddy then change your hosting provider. Again I don’t care who you use as long as it’s not GoDaddy.
3. If you use any other GoDaddy service move your business elsewhere.
4. If you have a blog, Twitter account, Facebook account or any way of spreading this news please do. If you have nothing of that sort use good old word-of-mouth information sharing.

Bob Parsons there isn’t a hole deep enough or a place hot enough to send you. Personally I hope you live a long, long time to enjoy seeing your business fall apart around you – all because you had to prove what a big man you are. I hope you’re haunted every day from this day forwards by your actions in Zimbabwe.

Oh and I’m not going to link to GoDaddy here for any reason……but I am going to link to their biggest competitors in web hosting and domain registration.

Namecheap – domain registration

Hostgator – web hosting

Bob Parsons – fuck you!

PS – This is a note from Namecheap – use this!

“We’ve decided to throw our support behind our Elephant friends by offering domain transfers at a price where we actually lose money.

Show your protest by saying BYEBYEGD again and transfer your domains to Namecheap for $4.99 for the next 24 hours through 11:59pm EST on 3/31/11 (limit 10 per user, valid for all com/net/org domains).

On top of that, we’ll donate $1 for each transfer to Save The Elephants at http://www.savetheelephants.org/
Use coupon code BYEBYEGD and let’s help the Elephants together!”

Social Networking Self Portraits…..how I hate thee…

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It doesn’t matter what angle you hold that camera at we know that you’re taking pictures of yourself. You can smile, pout, look surprised or gleam as if your imaginary boyfriend/girlfriend/pet was actually taking a picture of you.  We still know that you got all dressed up just to take that stupid fucking photo of yourself from a stupid fucking angle.

Here’s the thing….you don’t lack friends…after all…you’re on a social fucking network so what is with the obsession with taking photos of yourself? And this act of utterly self-indulgent and obvious idiocy is spreading. Once upon a time it was just one or two crazy fuckers with no social life who did this. Now it’s the done thing. Well for spastics at least.

Ok first off if you’re under the age of 16 you are exempt from any of my ranting here. You’re a minor and can be excused of doing anything from fucking your favourite pillow at night to take infuriatingly obvious self-portrait photos of yourself and uploading them to Facespace or whatever social network you’re part of. You’re a child and you’re allowed…nay almost encouraged to do childish things.

But for the people over 18…..you have stirred up images of violence in my head not often seen outside a Tarantino movie. Even you 20-somethings I can forgive but when you have people in their 30s doing this…..well…..sad ain’t the word.

I really like the ones where you’re driving too – you reckless fucking moron. why not just maybe get a BBQ going inside the car and blindfold yourself for added danger. Or maybe let a few wild animals duke it out inside the car while you’re driving too. And let’s be honest having an epitaph of “She was trying to look good for FriendFace when she rolled her car into a fiery inferno at the side of the road” isn’t something you want to remembered for is it? Personally I hope you only manage to drive off a bridge and wipe yourself out – not taking any useful and productive members of society with you.

Oh and the ones where you try to make it look like somebody took that photo of you by surprise….not fooling anyone. And they make me want to smash your collective heads in with a collective fire extinguisher. We know. You know. Stop doing it. Especially stop holding the camera over your head and smiling up into the shot. I was starting to think that every single one of you SP’ers had incredibly tall friends….like Yeti tall. And they just float around your house snapping pics of you from ludicrous height.

Anyways that’s another rant over. I do, however, vote that anyone whos entire Facebook photo album contains any more than say 10% of self-portraits (from any angle) should be banned from owning any form of camera equipment for at least 25 years…..or until they find something else in the world more fascinating than their own fucking faces. It’s a big world….try leaving your house sometime….there’s cool stuff out there. Honest.

Laters!

The Moron

PS This is only the first social network rant….I’m going to be dealing with the goons that pull the same pose for every single photo they’re in. After that I’ll be dealing with the cool 20-somethings with the life experienc of a housefly and then possibly emos.

Mark Shurtleff – The Attorney General Of Scams

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As a child you expect the law to be on the side of Good and to fight Evil.  That’s how it worked for Batman and Superman etc right?

Then you get a little older and wiser and realize that the world is not the same place that you want it to be. The superheroes are missing and law doesn’t always work but it does tend to work most of the time.

Then you have somebody like Mark Shurtleff who makes you re-evaluate your whole idea of Good Vs Evil. Not only that but you have to mix add an insane amount of corruption, backhanders and double dealing.

Mark Shurtleff is the kind of guy who gives Law as a whole a really bad name. His patronage can be bought for, it seems, little more than a handjob from a hungry and corrupt telemarketer based somewhere in Utah.  Somebody like Jeremy Johnson for example. Somebody who has ripped innocent people off to the tune of $275 million (that’s much monies! If I can just has your bank account number and sort codes please….)

We might be minus superheroes in the world but as long as there’s guys like Salty *bloop* Droid *bleep boop* the people who deserve to be highlighted as the absolute scumbags they are won’t get much rest. Gwan the Salty!!

100 Year Starship Program – What Are They Not Telling Us?

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Some of you might have heard of the 100 year Starship Program and some of you might not.  Basically it’s a new NASA program to develop one way space travel programs to Mars and beyond.

Why one way?

The technology to send people to Mars has existed for quite some time. You’re just looking at a bigger and badder version of the Apollo technology. The spacecraft itself would need to be pretty massive and be constructed in low earth orbit (no way you’re gonna blast this sucker straight off a launchpad) and the trip itself is going to last between say 200 and 260 days. So you’re looking at 7 months out there, a stop over and a 7 month trip back.  On a logistics level you’re going to have to bring a shitheap of stuff with you (apparently about 3,000,000 pounds of supplies -> http://www.astronomycafe.net/qadir/q2811.html).

The biggest problem every single time has been trying to figure out how to get the astronauts home again.

So there was an easy solution – make it a one-way trip! And the 100 Year Starship Program was born.

For years it was only spoken about in vague terms but it’s now been confirmed by NASA as a legitimate program to take mankind (and womankind) to Mars and other planets in our solar system. They already have a stock of volunteers who are ready and waiting to go.

Although this is a one-way trip (for the forseeable future) for the astronauts they would be kept supplied by Earth until they’d established a means of supporting themselves in terms of food and water.

Where would the funding for this come from? Some of it would be from NASA but the hope is that some of the massive corporations out there would fund it (rumour has it that Googles Larry Paige is looking at investing maybe $1 or $2 billion in the program) and get the ball rolling.

So why do I have part of this post titled “….What Are They Not Telling Us?”.

Well here’s why. For decades now NASA and the US Government has shown ZERO interest in any program like this. The Space Shuttle and the Orion program was about all there was to it. The most we could look forward to was being back on the moon in or around 2020.

Now suddenly there’s a sea change. We’re not only looking at the moon, but Mars and much further afield too. The reason it’s called the 100 Year Starship Program is that the later versions of will take human beings out of our solar system in search of Earth-like planets nearby.

Stephen Hawking (I think) said the only way we can avoid the extinction of the human species  through whatever means be it asteroid, super volcano, alien invasion or stupidity (my money is on the latter) is to make sure that we’re not all living on this planet. We need to spread our “seed” elsewhere in the hopes that we can survive the death of human life on this planet.

Asteroid Apophis is due to return in 2029 and 2036…..20-25 years to develop a Noahs Ark in space sounds about right to me no? Head to Mars, set up camp and drop back here in about 50 – 100 years when the dust has settled?

I’m just speculating folks but…..none of this shit happens without a reason.

Skyline Movie Review

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Right where to start with this one? Firstly I’ve been looking forward to this movie ever since I first peeked a glimpse of it on good old Darkhorizons.com (I’m not being sarcastic – I love that site). So for the last 6 months I’ve been hyping myself up about how good this movie is going to be. Some of the best special effects guys in the business and a storyline that was just that little bit different to what we’re used to seeing.

Skyline was made for a very low $20+ million sum overall. Apparently about $500,000 went into the movie and the rest was spent on special effects. And this is what becomes apparent about 15 minutes into the movie – it’s a special effects setpiece and not a movie at all. There are bits of a plot there but nothing solid and nothing that develops with any direction. This movie feels like a few guys go together and went “Ok let’s take the best bits of Independence Day, War of the Worlds and Cloverfield and make a movie”.

What you get in the end is a confused romp through several scenes with an initial flashback sequence that makes absolutely no sense at all. 10 minutes to fill? Let’s do a flashback then! After that there’s a struggle to figure out what’s going on and why. There are several points in the movie where things happen and you’re left scratching your head….because they make absolutely no sense at all.

Is the acting in Skyline terrible? Not at all but there are several problems. The first is Eric Balfour and his total lack of screen presence. There’s just something very unbelieveable about him – even as a reluctant hero type. The script is incredibly weak so he’s not totally to blame to be fair. The supporting cast are so-so – nobody stands out in this movie really although Scottie Thompson played the hysterical girlfriend pretty well.

So is Skyline an awful movie? Nope. I’d go and see it even just for the special effects sequences – some of which are fucking incredible. Just do your level best to tune out the act and the total lack of plot development. Oh and I wonder if you’ll be as confused and annoyed as I was by the montage at the end.

The movie could have been saved by having a single line of plot development and a better leading actor. Yeah I know I’m doing a Captain Hindsight thing here but stating the fucking obvious is a job somebody has to do!

Skyline Trailer

Lady Gaga – New Age Chanteuse or….

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is she just a stupid attention seeking, industry fabricated cunt? I know she has a lot of fans out there and has “wowed” people all over the world. But for fucks sake – how insecure is this person? A meat dress? Why not just kill a baby seal live on stage? Actually I take that back – you’re (Lady G) just about stupid enough to try pulling off a stunt like that.

The mind boggles at how this kind of crap now passes for fucking music. Yes I’m swearing a lot in this post but this hipster induced, mind numbing pile of shit just drives me insane. There are no words to express how little I think of her. Do I know her? No. No I don’t. But here’s my problem.

She’s seen as “something” for kids to aspire to. This is a role model for a future generation. Her influences will help shape a part of your kids life. Ok I can hear a Marilyn Manson rant coming on here. Difference. Marilyn Manson is an intelligent, well spoken and logical guy. He does a stage show. He knows this. Lady Gaga does not – she believes her own press and the cracks are already showing.

We had John Lennon and you get Lady Gaga. Sorry folks but you got a really fucking raw deal there. One of them is a musical legend and the other is a fad who sooner or later will either:

1. Break down.

2. Overdose.

3. All of the above.

Fingers crossed too. Christ knows we don’t need another piss poor role model for the youth of today. Damn I just said “youth of today”. I’m now officially a cranky old bastard!

Here’s a better idea. Let’s start a new reality TV show where Lady Gaga and Amy Winehouse share an apartment. The goal? See who overdoses or has a nervous breakdown first.

Personally I don’t care.

Monsters Movie Review

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I’ve been waiting for this movie for a while now. The trailers had me set for an enjoyable “alien invasion” type experience with some great special FX thrown in to keep the simple male in me happy. Right now we’re it the middle of a splurge of alien type movies with Monsters, Skyline, Battle for Los Angeles, Dark Moon and the upcoming Apollo 18 being the main attractions that spring to mind.

The premise behind Monsters is that a Nasa probe returns to earth with evidence of alien life onboard. Unfortunately the probe breaks up on re-entry over Mexico and all of a sudden alien lifeforms start to spring up and spread out in all directions. This leads to an Infected Zone being created and the construction of a massive wall along the US/Mexican border as the US and Mexican military struggle to contain the “creatures”.

This is a great idea for a movie right? I’d agree. And the trailers set the movie up quite nicely. The main problem is that the movie is a great idea but lacks any real depth. It starts off with a bang (literally) but seems to start flailing about then looking for something to keep you entertained. It’s an alien invasion type movie….but there’s a distinct lack of aliens for a large part of the movie .ie almost all of it.

The scenes that do actually show the movies are pretty impressive but there’s just this feeling that the movie could have done much more with it. There’s one particularly touching scene where two of the aliens seem to be mating but this is just left to lie flat with no further explanation of why this is shown. Arrrrrrghhhh! Why build that up and just leave it there begging to be elaborated on? Then you have the background TV chatter about how the aliens seem to be massing on the border….and then nothing. I’m not sure if this Swiss cheese movie composition is because of fucking awful editing or the script just didn’t support it in the first place?

Of course there is the burgeoning romance between the two lead actors. This is reasonably well acted but fucking terribly scripted. Scoot McNairy and Whitney Able do a decent job of making their relationship believable but again there are holes everywhere. Why is she in Mexico? Why did her rich daddy send a fucking photographer to rescue her? Whitney Able is definitely the most….errrrr…able of the actors in the movie and the fact that she’s stunningly beautiful does no harm at all!

Is it a bad movie? Not at all – I enjoyed it but I just thought I’d enjoy it a lot, lot more. It had a HUGE amount of potential and it just fell so flat in places that I found myself getting distracted by what was around me. I’d recommend watching it to make up your own mind but I’d manage your expectations folks – just try to keep your mind as open and blank as possible going in.